The Rise of Vulcanhöff
by DissolutionistPen
Summary: When Dumbledore's announcement of a mandatory resorting for all fourth years and up backfires, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry suddenly discovers that four houses is no longer enough to fill the castles vast halls.


_Dear Readers, _

_My sister found this as we were looking through my fanfiction folders and started dying of laughter as she read it. I wrote it about a year ago and she seems to think it's hysterical. It's slightly AU so you have been warned. I think it splits off after Order, but I could be wrong. All I know is Sirius Black's alive and the hunt for the Horcrux's didn't go quite how Deathly Hollows betrayed it... So, anyway, enjoy and hopefully you all think it's just as funny as my sister did. _

The Rise of Vulcanhöff

**Chapter 1**

It was well known that Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, Chief Warlock of the Wizardgamot, Defeater of the Dark Wizard Grindelwald, Discoverer of the Twelve uses of Dragon's Blood, World Renown Alchemist, Leader of the Light, Founder of the Order of the Phoenix, and (most importantly) Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, called a group staff meeting at the beginning of each term; at least it was to those that were actually invited to said meetings, which admittedly was very few. In fact, the only people that were called were four very exasperated teachers, all of whom just happened to be the Heads of Hogwarts four houses; Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.

Albus Dumbledore liked to claim that these meetings were a way for the higher members of staff to come together and discuss the problems that were facing the school at the time. Minerva McGonagall, the Head of Gryffindor House, liked to claim that it was a way for Heads of the school to gather and discuss the problems that the students would be facing in the coming year. Pomona Sprout, the Head of Hufflepuff House, liked to claim that it was a way for the closely knit faculty members to come together and spend some time away from the hubbub of the rest of the school. Filius Flitwick, the Head of Ravenclaw House, liked to claim it was a way for the core teachers, along with the Headmaster, to go over the curriculum that the students most needed to cover. Severus Snape, the Head of Slytherin House, liked to claim that it was a way for the Headmaster's favorite teachers to gossip like teenage girls. The latter was most likely accurate, much to the disapproval of the fearsome potions professor. He didn't much care for gossip, but he had learned the hard way that attendance was mandatory and unfortunately for him, it was that time of year again, on the last day of summer vacation, for _The Meeting of Doom_,as Severus had to dub it, to commence_. _

Severus, for his part, was sitting in his chambers having a nice cup of earl grey tea and enjoying the prospect of the peaceful year ahead when the invitation came. Though, admittedly, it couldn't really be called an invitation. It was more of an abrupt abduction where Fawkes the Phoenix would flame into his rooms, land on his shoulder, and flash him away to the Hogwarts staff room. Severus had once tried to tell the Headmaster that this was an unacceptable way of being forced into attendance, but his disapproval seemed to only egg the Headmaster on_. _Dumbledore had merely laughed at Severus and told him that he'd find different means for arrival if it was that much of a problem. Thinking the issue had been resolved, Severus was sorely disappointed when, come next meeting, he found himself in the very uncomfortable position of being thrown up by a dragon. Needless the say, Severus had no problem with Phoenix travel after _that_ experience. He was still wringing dragon saliva from his favorite set of robes after having been swallowed whole by the beast and much to his dismay (and Minerva's delight) he couldn't seem to get the greasy texture out of his hair no matter how much shampoo he used.

And with that, Severus Snape found himself swirled away from his comfortable chair in a flame of fire and deposited unceremoniously in a hard wooden chair with a tea soaked lap courtesy of Dumbledore. He stared disgruntledly down into his now empty cup. It had been such a good cup of tea too. Internally Severus was seething, but on the outside he forced a neutrally disposed expression on his pale face. He would _not_ give Albus Dumbledore the satisfaction of seeing his irritation. He just knew that fire chicken of Dumbledore's had been ordered to do that on purpose. It was probably Dumbledore's idea of a fun joke, but someday he'd be sorry. Severus would have his revenge on the old man for these torturous meetings and then Dumbledore and his singed pet chicken would be begging for mercy. Severus had always wanted a new feather pillow after all. So what if it had a tendency to spontaneously combust.

Severus slowly raised his eyes to meet his fellow kidnappers. Minerva was grinning like the loon that she was as she took in the undignified manor that he had been left in by Fawkes, Pomona was giggling slightly, and Filius had fallen from his perch on a stack of books. This moment was likely going to go down in the _Teacher's Guide to Blackmail_ along with the Dragon Incident as it was now called. At least none of them had thought to bring a camera with them this time.

"Severus!" a jolly voice called over the laughter, "So nice of you to join us!" Severus sneered at Dumbledore's cheer, but refused to dignify it with a response. Albus made it sound as if he had had a choice in the matter which he most certainly hadn't.

Ignoring the fact that his potions master seemed ready to murder him, Dumbledore continued, "So, now that we're all here the meeting can BEGIN!" Severus scowled at him before pulling out his wand and giving it a jab like wave causing his cup to fill with his favorite liquid again. He'd need a lot more tea if he was going to get out of this meeting sane.

"The first order of business! As I'm sure you all know, Minister Shacklebolt has passed a law requiring that all seventh years from the previous term come back to repeat their last year as he feels Voldemort's reign of terror disrupted the students learning capability."

Severus rolled his eyes. 'Disrupted' didn't even come close to describing what had occurred. The previous year had been Harry '_bloody_' Potter's seventh year at Hogwarts. Severus sipped from his lovely cup of tea as he reminisced about the incidents that had led to the Dark Lord's final fall. That boy had a way of attracting dangerous situation and had somehow ended up at the center of all the major battles along with those annoying sidekicks of his, _best-friend-extraordinaire_ Ronald Weasley and _know-it-all_ Hermione Granger. The Battle of Ottery St. Catchpole, the Battle of London, the First Battle of Hogwarts, the Battle of Hogsmead, and Diagon Ally (three different battles that had occurred on the same day at the exact same time) and the Second Battle of Hogwarts were only a few of the names that would likely appear in the history books and all the while, those three had attended school as seventh years, missing no classes at all while simultaneously running around the countryside looking for dark magical artifacts and robbing Gringotts and the Ministry along the way.

No one was quite sure how the three had done it, but the running theory was that they'd stolen a time turner form the Department of Mysteries (seeming to forgetting the fact that those same three students were apart of the brigade that destroyed them all barley two years prior). Severus personally thought it had something to do with Polyjuice, but no one else seemed to think it was a viable explanation. Whatever they'd done however, they weren't talking, so it would likely be a very long time in coming before anyone ever found out the truth.

All in all, Severus couldn't blame the new Minister for the new law, but disrupted was not the word that Severus Snape would have used to describe it all. Confusing, maybe, crazy definitely, but disrupted, no. Just, no.

"I'll expect you all to put the rest of the grade levels on an accelerated curriculum of last year with the exception of the incoming first years. If the seventh years were distracted, so were the other students and they'll need to revise what they were supposed to learn as well as continue on with what they should be learning. All in agreement?" Dumbledore inquired. The four Heads nodded their consent.

Dumbledore's face brightened exaggeratedly, "Great! Now on to the second item of buisness!" Taking in the sparkling blue eyes, Severus suddenly had a _very_ bad feeling.

"This year I would like to work on House unity." Snorting quietly into his cup, Severus dread turned to amusement as he laughed at the Headmaster's naivety for thinking that was even a possibility. They worked on House unity every year and every year it failed to make even a dent in the enmity between his house and the others.

"Is there something you'd like to share with the group Severus?" Minerva asked from his left in a sickeningly sweet voice, having heard his snort. His amusement dried up in seconds as he shot her a glare. This was one of the few matters that they agreed on, so she had no room to talk. He cleared his throat conscious of everyone's eyes now focused on him.

"No," he drawled in disdain and tried to leave it at that.

"Oh, don't be shy, my dear boy," Dumbledore proclaimed happily, waving his hands about, "Do tell." Severus scowled at him darkly before elaborating, "This is going to be yet another failed attempt. I can guarantee it. The other houses will never accept Slytherin and Slytherin will never accept the other Houses." Dumbledore's cheer didn't seem to be dented by the pessimistic view at all.

"Don't be such a Negative Nelly, Severus!" he exclaimed causing a new round of snickers to arise from the other teachers, "This is a new year with new possibilities. My new program will work wonders. Just you wait!" All four Heads of Houses froze in horror and Severus' feeling of doom returned with a vengeance.

"New program, Albus?" Minerva stuttered worriedly in a slow voice, dreading the response of the eccentric Headmaster. Those two words were never a good combination to come out of Albus Dumbledore's mouth. They always lead to catastrophes that made the Dragon Incident seem like a bowl of fluffy kittens. This was _not_ going to end well.

"Yes! This school needs a little shaking up, don't you think?" he asked joyously, causing them all to groan.

"Headmaster, I think last year was a good form of shaking up by itself, and that's not including the past six years before it. Maybe we should just, let the school rest for a little while," Filius said in a slightly exasperated and hopeful tone.

'That_ was a nice way of putting it_,' Severus thought amusedly. 'Shaking up' was almost as good a description as 'disrupted'.

"Nonsense! Last year was tame!" Severus had to suppress an eye roll. Deatheaters storming the school multiple times was anything _but_ tame. "We need something new and exciting this year!" Dumbledore rambled on, "So I propose a RESORTING!" There was a resounding silence that descended on the room at that pronouncement. Severus blinked once. Then twice. And then a third time for good measure. He was positive he'd misheard.

"Albus, I think I misunderstood you. I could have sworn that you said a _resorting_?" Minerva said questioningly, seeming to have read Severus' mind, which was slightly disconcerting if he thought about it too much.

"Why my dear Minnie, you didn't misunderstand at all! Yes a resorting is exactly what this school needs!" Minerva's eyes seemed to twitch to the left a little.

"And what does that exactly entail?" Pomona injected cautiously, speaking for the first time in the meeting. She didn't like the sound of this proposal any more than the others did.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as if he'd been waiting for that precise question, "Exactly as it sounds, my dear lady! A resorting for all fourth through eighth years will do the trick. I always have said that we sort too soon," he paused and his eyes seemed to loss focus for a second before snapping back to their usual cheer, "A lot can change about a person in seven years' time and I'd hate to have my students suffering in houses they don't fit in. So, we'll put the hat on all o' them and sort them where they most belong!"

"You have got to be kidding Albus!" Minerva exclaimed aghast and Severus silently had to agree, not that he'd ever tell Minerva that. The Headmaster seemed to have gone round the twist at some point while none of them had been looking. This was the worst plan he'd ever created.

"We can't resort them!" Pomona cried in disbelief, "Think of all the turmoil it'll cause! Families that have been in place for years will be split right down the middle!"

"But, Minerva, Pomona. Think of all the good it'll do! New friendships will be formed that otherwise would have been impossible. The old house families won't be split, they'll just be broadened!" Dumbledore seemed _very_ set on this idea.

"Headmaster, I fear that this is going to be a horrible disaster," Severus interrupted with distaste, but Dumbledore just shook his head in disagreement with that dammed smile still in place.

"Of course it won't, Severus. This is what the school needs and it's what we're going to do. Tomorrow, after the first years are sorted, everyone fourth and up will try on the hat for a second time and they'll go where they need to be!" And that was that.

Dumbledore then went on to discuss the new teachers that had been hired for the new term, but Severus didn't hear a word of it. He had a horrible sinking sensation that this year was not going to be the peaceful year he'd hoped for.

_A/N: And there it is... The first chapter of the Rise of Vulcanhöff! Next up, Ginny discovers that she might not be as Gryffindor as she originally thought.  
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_Pen_


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